Respecting the no
I cannot think of a more important parenting value than respecting my kiddo’s no. When I was young I was taught that no means no but it was in the context of unwanted touching – it had nothing to do with my daily needs and wants. In fact, saying no was typically not an option for my younger self and arguably isn’t an option for many kiddos – especially if parents have invested time and money into something or have competing commitments. Can you even imagine not going to the carnival after you have arranged to meet friends and purchased nonrefundable tickets? Or keeping your kiddo home from summer camp because they needed a mid-week break?
This morning was a good example of respecting my kiddo’s no. We had planned to go to a half day summer camp today – something my son really enjoys. When we were about to get in the car, my son said “no, I need a home day!” So many things went through my mind – I got up at 6am to get us ready, the car is packed, the camp is paid for, he loves the camp, the camp staff will judge him/me/us, he will be left out of friendships, and it’s the last day of camp. The traditional parent in me would look at these and say we go no matter what. Yet my son said no, and so I must get curious about what is inside of his no. I asked him and he said that the drive is too much, I love the camp mom, but the drive is too much. The drive is really too much – it’s one hour each way of downtown traffic (not nice driving) and it is very hard on both of us no matter how many ways we have tried to make it better (for example, books, stuffies, computer games, snacks, and car games like eye-spy).
Listening for the non-verbal no
I feel it is important at this point to say that not all kiddos can verbally say no. As parents we need to be on the lookout for the non-verbal nos. It often comes out in stress behaviour – quietness, withdraw, hitting, spitting, biting, throwing, breaking things, name calling, and low frustration tolerance, and when not heard can escalate to hours long meltdowns and days/months long burnout. I worry that these communications are often misunderstood as misbehavior, but for me they are clear communication of “too much and no.”
We also need to watch for the non-verbal nos so we can help our kiddos learn about their bodies. Just because our kids are showing stress behaviour, does not mean they have made the connection that their body is saying slow down or no. As parents we need to help our kids learn about their own stress behaviours and how to more fully support their nervous systems when these behaviours rear up. When my kiddo is displaying any of these, I help him notice them and then we discuss how much capacity he has for more. I empower him to notice his own body, come along-side with co-regulation, and help him make decisions.
So, when my son said no to camp today, I took the time to reflect on how my kiddo was doing and what he has been communicating. In the past 12 hours, I have seen some behaviour show up and my son resist simple aspects of day-to-day living. And the book he picked to for me to read to him last night was titled “Too Much – An Overwhelming Day” by Jolene Gutiérrez. To me, these were all ways my son was communicating “no, too much, I need a home day.”
The no inside of me
I should also mention that while working through my son’s no, I also looked inside of me. Last night I did not sleep well. I have driven him to and from camp and waited for him downtown to finish each day for 4 days in a row. The city is hard on my sensitive nervous system and driving in the city is harder. I am not my best self and my capacity is lower today. All this means that I have less ability to be the momma he needs to thrive and feel safe in the world. Inside of me is also a no!
The importance of respecting no
I believe that respecting our kiddos no is tremendously important. For me it teaches them that they have value and worth in the world. It is very empowering to say no and have it respected. Also, it supports our kids in developing a strong sense of self as it allows them to identify what they like and dislike and be clear when something is too much. It also gives kids an opportunity for them to practice setting boundaries. But most importantly it teaches our kids to listen to their own bodies, their own needs, and to trust themselves. All of these I believe will lead to our kids becoming healthier adults with lower risk of mental illness.
How far does this need to go?
I find myself reflecting on how far this needs to be taken. It is well accepted in traditional parenting that kids need to be coaxed, pushed, and challenged by adults. A key to keeping our nervous systems healthy however, is operating within our zone of tolerance. This means that that things that stretch us, or challenge us, in the day should not exceed our capacity to fairly quickly return to a healthy flexible place. But this may be different for kiddos with developmental trauma and nervous system issues. The amount that adults can coax and push in these instances is very limited. I believe for these kiddos it needs to be safety and security above all else and challenges, for the most part, need to be led by the kiddo with the parents’ support.
In conclusion
In the past couple of years I have honed my low demand, nervous system-based, parenting skills and now approach outings so differently. I now arrive at activities with no expectations or demands. If we get to the parking lot and my kiddo says no, we go home (even if the drive is an hour long and we were meeting friends). If we start an activity and 20 minutes in my kid says no, we leave. I should add that sometimes, if it makes sense in the context, we will have a problem solving chat to see if the no is a problem that can be addressed. I respect the wisdom of my son’s body instead of pushing my traditional parenting beliefs on him. It’s amazing how we try to teach our kiddos that no-means-no and then spend our days over ridding their clear communications of no – pushing them to school and forcing them to participate and focus when they have no interest or bandwidth. So this morning my son said no and I listened – I called the camp and canceled. We have been home together chilling because this is what his body needed today.
Recent Comments